The Darkest Thursday but I believe the rainbow of tomorrow.

Today was my black Thursday. As usual, I'd like to check up how was my lover doing today. 

He keeps watching Tom & Jerry show with "Sichuan" language at least once on a daily basis. How enjoyable he deals with his life. I know that he has his affair to learn new things, also the freedom of choice, but I don't feel comfortable as he told me the woman who aged 9 years elder than him is from Sichuan, one of the cities in China, who was the one made my lover & I apart. I hate, hate myself that was so innocent and unable to figure out what's the fact and how did it happen exactly because I haven't finished my studies. 

I always tell myself that must be strong, the thing you really want in your life you might need to sacrifice something else even the people I love. When he told me that he was likely in love with another woman who was elder than me more than 7 years with no better explanation. He said that I don't mature like the woman does, it obviously shattered me to thousands of tears. I don't know why that I can't still give up on this man since he hurts me, he is no longer the man who puts me in priority, respects me, tells me how much he cherishes me every day. Moreover, I found that some photos we have taken on our trip in the year 2018 in the recycle bin of the cloud storages he used to store. The photos were my first arrived at Fuzhou, China. He really has done a lot of "good job", how previously he raised me as high as he can do, and he messed up now. I really hate this guy, how can made me feel to this trap and did so harsh to me now. I love him. I respect what he does, I've failed to stop,  so I will not stop until I own the power given to me by himself.

Another case, my mom was suffered on a court case, it is an extreme case with her business. She is far away from me, who stays in my hometown. I can't reach her even I try to make several phone calls with her. She never picks up maybe she is speaking with her lawyer about the case, perhaps she is busy preparing about my little brother's wedding party, they need to decorate our house to welcome his wife, also our relatives and guest. I feel helpless to my mom. She supposed to enjoy her early-retirement as her children are growing up. She deserves a better life. I'm not a good daughter. I always priority to make my dreams to reality so I always not in hometown, far away from my home. In the past, I like to share both joys and sadness with "him" but I have a lot of doubts after he intends to end our relationship. Therefore, I choose to write down to release my struggling and grieving. I hope my family will be safe. I pray and I wish one day I would be strong to hand my hands to people I love.